Jokers Wild

Fodder for sci-fi writers in this nypost.com headline: “Hell’s bells: A mysterious bell has been ringing at a NY subway station for weeks and no one knows where it’s coming from.”

Aphrodisiac: first good news on the marijuana front in a long time, from NYP: “Cannabis helps women achieve more and better orgasms: study.”

Among today’s many celebrations, it’s International Joke Day. A politician — add your own punchline. Unfortunately, the joke’s on us. Photo from Google Images:

Here are jokes from famous comics, starting with Rodney Dangerfield:
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.”
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.”
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood — he ran a tab!”
“I’m a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.”
“This morning, when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys laughing at me.”
Henny Youngman:
“My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, ‘Cough!’”
“I’m now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.”
“A bum asked me, ‘Give me $10 till payday.’ I asked, ‘When’s payday?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, you’re the one who is working!’”
“There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.”
“This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.”
“You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.”
Joan Rivers:
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
“My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”
“Want to know why women don’t blink during foreplay? Not enough time.”
“My body’s falling so fast my gynecologist wears a hardhat.”
Jackie Mason:
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”
“Marry a Jewish girl and you go from Chinese restaurant to Chinese restaurant. Just once I wanna hear a Chinaman say: ‘I’m lookin’ for a nice piece of gefilte fish.”
Phyllis Diller:
“Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle — keep away from children.”
“You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”
“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.” (Vicious)
George Carlin:
“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?”
“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”

It was a gorgeous day to do business curbside, although the stiff wind was an encumbrance. My thanks to Herbie, who dug up five kids’ books, and to the woman who donated a hardcover in Russian; and to the one who bought Diabetes Quick-Fix with Magic Foods: Balance Your Blood Sugar to Lose Weight and Supercharge Your Energy! by Reader’s Digest, Robert A Barnett, et al.; and to the lovely young mom who generated the Anti-Inflation Book Shop’s first ever electronic sale, The World of Science by Martin Walters. Anyone who’d asked in the past did not use Paypal.

My Amazon Author page: https://www.amazon.com/Vic-Fortezza/e/B002M4NLJE

FB: https://www.facebook.com/Vic-Fortezza-Author-118397641564801/?fref=ts

Read Vic’s Stories, free: http://fictionaut.com/users/vic-fortezza