One-Liners & More
Coast of Newfoundland. Permission to come ashore? Not! Photo from unusualplaces.org:
Headline from nypost.com: “Japanese aquarium places cardboard cutouts of people near sunfish tank to cure its loneliness.” Photo from Google Images:
Also from NYP: “I get all of my food from dumpster diving — I haven’t gone grocery shopping in four years.”
Among today’s many celebrations, it’s One-Liners Day. Here are six gleaned from a Reader’s Digest article by Linda Roman. Supply your own rimshots.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.
You can’t believe everything you hear — but you can repeat it.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
What is the sound of no-hands texting?
If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
And one from Rodney Dangerfield: My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Steven Wright: Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
Groucho Marx: Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Woody Allen: You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
George Carlin: Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Robin Williams: Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
Joan Rivers: I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Jerry Seinfeld: My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
Day Two Polar Vortex: Since I hate deviation from my routine, I went for my morning walk, in darkness these days. The wind was benign, the streets were virtually clear, the sidewalks icy in some spots. It was fine. Even my acid reflux wasn’t bad… I reread my latest story, 23 and Counting, made sure the Word and PDF files were in order, and submitted them to Amazon, one for Kindle and print. The next step is reviewing a proof copy, which is already on the way.
My Amazon Author page: https://www.amazon.com/Vic-Fortezza/e/B002M4NLJE
FB: https://www.facebook.com/Vic-Fortezza-Author-118397641564801/?fref=ts
Read Vic’s Stories, free: http://fictionaut.com/users/vic-fortezza
